Nomads United
by Wolf McCloud-123
Summary: ...Don't ask, please. Lyn goes crazy, Rath is confused, and Guy wants nothing to do with it! Read it, please... It gets off to a shaky start, but in later chapters there will be more of something that resembles a plot involved. COMPLETE!
1. Lyn's Proclamation

Nomads United

A/N: Lyn, as you would think, would become a little paranoid on a long journey... So, after she spends about a week in Eliwood's party, she starts freaking out and calls an emergency meeting with Guy and Rath... And to their dismay, she won't calm down.

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Prologue -- Lyn's Proclomation

Rath, the ever-silent, ever... well, you get the point. Rath was walking around the camp-- well, I should say that he was riding his horse around the camp, and looking for Lyndis. He had picked up her necklace outside of her tent, and wanted to return it to her before she started crying and lusting about it.

"Lyndis?" he asked, opening a tent. And, yes, he was still on his horse.

Hey, I think Rath's horse needs a name, don't you? How about... Pierrdro? Pierrdro! Pierrdro the Arabian... Sacaen horse! WEEEEE!!!

Pierrdro snorted.

"Yes, I know she's one hard oat to swallow, but bear with it, Pierrdro," said Rath, patting Pierrdro on the neck. "I betcha she's around here somewhere--"

"Psst!" came a voice from a black, shadowy tent that all whom passed by seemed not to noticed. Rath, however, did, and very much, might I add, for when he saw it, he nearly fell off of Pierrdro!

"Y-yes?" he stuttered, something not-very-common with Rath. He regained his composure (and so did Pierrdro), and spurred Pierrdro. The horse walked slowly over to the tent. "Yes?" repeated Rath.

"Come in, Rath!" said the voice. This time, it sounded oddly feminine...

Pierrdro nudged the tent flap open, and snorted in anguish. The inside was as black as the outside!

"Yes, Pierrdro," sighed Rath. "It seems that our legs were being pulled--"

"Rath, it's me! Lyndis!" cried Lyndis. It was now, that, when the light shone in, it revealed her sun-deprived features: Her eyes had bags under them, her skin was now pale, and it looked (and smelled) like she hadn't showered in about a week.

Rath's expression contorted, which was very odd. "...L...Lyndis? Milady, what has happened to you?"

"Just come in, Rath!" said Lyndis.

Rath dismounted Pierrdro and entered, patting Pierrdro on the neck before fully going into the tent.

When he let the flap go, it became pitch black again. Until a familiar teenage Sacaen lit a lanturn in the corner. He, unlike the Lady Lyndis, didn't look so bad as she did, for it had only probably been about half an hour since Guy was pulled into the abyss that was this tent.

"Hey there, Rath!" he said casually, as if there was no darkness enveloping them as it seemed. "How's it going?"

Lyn slapped a hand on the boy's head, causing him to fall back. "Enough of the chit-chat! I have a proposition for both of you!"

Rath sighed. Guy sat back up, a scornful look on his face as he adjusted his headband.

"What is it, Lady Lyndis?" asked Rath.

"We're all Nomads, right?" she asked. The look on her face seemed to worsen with every syllable.

Guy and Rath nodded.

"I feel the need to spend more time around you guys instead of... _them_," she hissed, throwing a glare at a random part of the tent, probably motioning to the people outside. "So, that's why I've called this meeting. Guy, get out the... WALKIE TALKIE OF DOOM!"

Rath looked at Guy, who shrugged. "I... don't have it... milady."

Lyn gave him a look that could've maimed him. "And whyever not?"

Guy looked slightly guilty. "You... never gave me... one... milady..." he muttered, looking up at her with what could've been described as the "Puppy dog look" in his green eyes.

"Although I agree with both the author and the narrator; you are adorable, Guy, but you're older than _she_ is," said Lyn, crossing her arms. "Plus, you're Sacaen!"

"I know..." mumbled Guy. "That's why I told you the truth--"

Lyn scoffed. "Truth?" she asked, laughing. "What truth? You didn't tell me the truth!"

The boy started stuttering: "B-bu-but I did, m-milady!"

"I gave you the.......... WALKIE TALKIE OF DOOM at dinner!"

"It's only noontime, milady," Rath interjected.

"...I meant last night," said Lyndis.

_Okay, she just went crazy..._ thought Rath, a nervous (HUH?) look on his face. "Erm, let's just think rationally here, Lady Lyndis. You could've been halucinating and accidentilly gave the walkie talkie of doom to... another green-haired kid?"

"HUH?" asked Lyn. "What walkie talkie of doom?"

Guy stared at her blankly, unblinkingly. Rath, however, sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Milady," he began. "This immense darkness is causing you to... snap, in a way. I believe that you're losing your wits as we speak. Perhaps we should step out into the sunlight for a moment?"

Lyn looked shaken. "Yeah... Yes, I think that would be for the best..."

--Outside

Lyn's complection seemed to regain its beauty as she stepped into the sun. Her hair immediately regained its luster, and the bags under her eyes disappeared completely. Ah, radience...

Herbal Essences. Lyn endorses it, why don't you?

"Ah, the only thing that preceeds your beauty, milady," said Sain dreamily. "Is your glorious personality!" His eyes, of course, were someway down, past her face, as he started to drool.

"A-HEM," coughed Lyn, clearing her thoat. "I'm up HERE."

"OH, yes, Lady Lyndis," laughed Sain. He looked around nervously, before scooting off to woo someone else.

"Hello, Lady Lyndis!" said Nino cheerily, waving to the older woman.

"Get bent," snorted Lyn.

Nino looked taken aback, then stalked off.

Lyndis laughed. "Ah, Guy, you said that it's noontime, yes?" she asked the young myrmidon, looking down at him. He nodded. "Right, so it's lunch time?"

"Yes, milady," he said quietly. _MAN, she is crazy..._

"Then come, my Nomad bretheren!" she said brightly, marching off to get a bite to eat. "Time for lunch!"

The two men sighed. Well, man and a boy, I mean.

"Guy, are you sure she's not taking any drugs...?" asked Rath, after he was sure she was out of earshot.

Guy, although his forehead was concealed by the headband, wrinkled his brow. "I don't really know, Rath. I don't really _know_."

BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUM!!!

"Joe! Stop that!" screamed Kent, hitting Joe Narrator with a boot.

"Ow! Sorry," said Joe.

Guy's expression turned into something like this: o.o

Rath glanced at him. "What?"

Guy gave him a disbelieving look. "_That's_ the guy who thinks... I'm adorable...?" he asked, exasperatedly.

The older Nomad didn't looked phased. "So?"

"He's _old_! And _icky!_" said Guy immaturly, pointing at Joe Narrator. "And he's a man!" He shook a fist at ol' Joe. "That's almost counted as molestation, you pervert!"

Joe threw Guy a glance that practically shouted, 'And you're a crazy brat who doesn't know when to shut up!'

Then the narrator walked away to... do whatever it is that narrators do. Which is narrate. Yes, I _do_ need a day-job...

--Lunchtime

"...So..." said Lyn quietly, after Rath and a very uncomfortable Guy had seated themselves on a carved log across from her that served as a bench. "I'm thinking of starting a... little club... for Nomads only..."

Guy's shoulders lowered. Rath sighed, rolling his eyes again.

"Milady," said Rath. "I don't think that.... Well, right now, I feel that your ideas right now aren't... stable. Yes, that's the word..."

"So," repeated Lyn, cocking an eyebrow. "You're basically saying... that I'm... crazy...?"

"Yes, milady," said Rath.

Guy looked nervous, and swallowed some of his stew hard.

Lyn thwacked Rath over the head. "You silly goof!" she laughed. "I'm not crazy!"

"Then what did you call _that_?" asked Guy, bringing up the pitch black tent that people still passed by as if it didn't exist.

"Oh, that?" said Lyn. Her face dropped. "I... I don't know..." she trailed off quietly.

They stared at each other for a while.

"...Ooookay," sighed Rath, getting up and mounting Pierrdro. "Well, call me back when you regain your sanity, Lady Lyndis."

"Wait! Don't leave just yet!" pleaded Lyn. "I've got something to give each of you!" She quickly pulled out two two-way radios from out of nowhere.

Rath stared at them. "What the hell are those for?"

"To contact one another!" replied Lyn brightly, smiling. She handed Rath one and pushed the other into Guy's arms. He stared at it like it would bite him.

"...For... _what_, exactly?" asked Guy.

"We're Nomads United, sweet, innocent child!" said Lyn.

Guy, after registering what she just said, stared at her.

"Nomads... United?" asked Rath, voicing his and Guy's confusion.

"Yessiree!" said Lyn. She put her hands on her hips. "When I call a meeting, you two just go to that there black tent, y'hear?"

Guy looked like he was going to burst into tears of fright and worry, but Rath looked in deep thought.

"I'll leave you two alone," said Lyn, getting up and walking away to talk to her friends.

"Guy, I think we have a mental case on our hands," said Rath after a long pause.

Guy whimpered, then fainted.

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TO BE CONTINUED...

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Will Guy and Rath get out of this alive? Will they have wacky adventures (no)? Will there be cameos as random as this story? You may or may not find out next time on...

NOMADS UNITED!!!


	2. Something Slightly Like a Plot

Nomads United

A/N: I HAVE TWO REVIEWS! From...

Nightmare and Darkness-Aura: Yes, we've all wanted a fic where Lyn finally snaps. Thank you for the compliments.

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Chapter One -- Something Slightly Like a Plot

"..." said Rath to Pierrdro. Pierrdro snorted in return.

"...No, Pierrdro, I don't think Lyn is sane anymore," he told Pierrdro, running his fingers through Pierrdro's mane. "But, we have to give her a chance..."

Pierrdro snorted skeptically.

"What'd ya mean she had a dark look in her normally soft, warm gaze? That's _ridiculous_, Pierrdro!" said Rath.

Pierrdro cocked an ear at him scornfully. Then he neighed.

"Yeah, where _are_ Farina, Fiora and Florina? I haven't seen them all day..." He thought for a moment. "Oh well. I'm sure they're fine."

--MEANWHILE, IN A REMOTE PART OF ILIA...

"Are you _sure_ we're going the right way?" asked Fiora to Farina.

Farina scoffed. "Of _course_ we're going the right way!"

"I think we need a map..." said Florina quietly.

"Map? We don't need no stinkin' map!" laughed Farina.

The three Pegasus Sisters had been traveling through a forest in Ilia for well over two hours now. Farina was still cocky and a little out of it (cuckoo), Fiora was grumpy, and Florina found entertainment in little things, like birds and squirrels. Their pegasi had been left outside of the forest, but now Fiora was starting to think that it was a bad idea...

"But if we can't scout out ahead, how do we know we're Northeast of Pharae?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"Because of... women's intuition!" replied Farina, her eye twitching.

Florina was currently on her knees, talking to a squirrel. "Oh, how cute you are!" she cooed, petting it. It purred.

Wait- it _purred_?

I didn't know squirrels could pur... Oh well! Best not to ask questions.

"Aw, you're so _sweet_!" she said, picking it up. The squirrel nestled itself into her arms, closing its eyes to fall asleep.

And thus began a miniplot.

--Back with Rath...

As Rath passed through the camp, he noticed Priscilla trying to talk to Lyn, who hissed at her like a cat.

"Poor, diluded thing," said Rath, shaking his head. He rode Pierrdro to where Lyn was.

"HIISSSSSS!!" hissed Lyn, ducking behind Rath on his horse. He cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Milady, are you all right?" he asked her slowly, as if asking a child.

"She-- an _outsider_-- is trying to converse with me!" hissed Lyn.

"...You were so social when I met you, but you've become quite a bitch, milady," Rath told her, not really caring if she heard or not.

"Have I? _Have I_?" asked Lyn, getting into it. "Rath, do you realize how they'd treat us if we weren't in Sacae?"

"Yes. I used to serve under that one dude until he said we sucked."

"...Well, besides him I mean!" said Lyn.

Priscilla looked hurt. "But I'd do nothing to hurt you... In fact, I quite enjoy Guy's company..."

Raven popped in from nowhere. "_Are they bothering you_?" he asked dangerously, eyeing Rath and Lyn in an irrate manner.

"NO, Raymond, they're NOT," said Priscilla, not caring about using Raven's alias.

Raven sighed, then stalked off to brood about random crap.

"Like I said, Lyndis, I would do _nothing_ to hurt you guys!" said Priscilla, smiling politely. "In fact, I take care of you guys when you're hurt!"

"...HISSSSS!!" said Lyn, spurred Pierrdro, and then pushed Rath off of his horse.

Oh, no she didn't.

"Oh yes I did!"

Well, Rath didn't take to this too kindly, so he pushed Lowen off of _his_ horse and rode after Pierrdro.

Lowen's horse's name was Yancy. He'd brag about that name day in and day out. So, naturally, everyone in the camp knew about Yancy the horse.

Rath spurred Yancy until the horse was in front of Pierrdro, then made Yancy stop.

Pierrdro reared, knocking Lyn off.

"MY (censored)!" screamed Lyn in pain.

"..." replied Rath, leaping off of Yancy and onto Pierrdro. "You _never_ should've stolen my horse, Lady Lyndis."

"(censored)," said Lyn, getting up and rubbing her butt. Sain stared in fixated awe.

"Lady Lyndis, if you use language like that, you won't be considered much of a noblewoman," said Rath calmly.

Lyn then whipped out...

Rath cocked an eyebrow.

Several others in the group gasped.

That accursed two-way radio that had the Caelin emblem on it...

THE WALKIE TALKIE OF DOOM! Or... ONE OF THEM!

She pushed the button on the side. "Guy, come in, Guy," she said.

--With Guy...

Guy sighed. What time was it...? Two in the afternoon? ...Meh. He didn't have a watch, and, frankly, he didn't really care.

Suddenly, his two-way radio started crackling. He reached for it, where it was wrapped in his sash.

"Guy, come in, Guy," came Lyn's voice.

He pushed the button. "Yeah?"

"Nonono!" Lyn nearly screamed at him through the walkie talkie. "You have to say something like, 'Guy here, over!' Something of that caliber!"

Guy sighed again. "Look, Lady Lyndis... I'm not really in the mood or proper situation for you to be yelling at me, okay? Please, forgive me for that."

"...What happened?" asked Lyn, sighing on the other end.

'Twas then that the camera flipped right-side-up. Guy was strung by his ankles on the lowest branch of a tree. His arms were hanging down limply, and the blood had rushed to his head, making his face seem more of a reddish color than it was supposed to. Plus, he could barely hear anything at all.

"...Let's just say... Matthew was using me as a sex toy not too long ago..." he said. He would've hung his head in shame. If he _could_.

"_Matthew_?" gasped Lyn. "What did he do? If he did anything inappropriate for a _PG rated _fic, I swear I will castrate him--"

"He undid my hair and my belt, for a couple things," answered Guy. "He threw my headband somewhere, and... Hey, I think one of my boots are missing..."

"..." said Lyn.

"...Milady...?" asked Guy cautiously.

Suddenly, there was a booming noise, and out of the bushes popped Lyn, looking pissed off. "WHERE IS HE, MATEY?!" she asked loudly.

Guy stared at her. "..." he said. "Lyn, I didn't know you could speak Pirate!"

"Arrgh!" replied Lyndis. She placed a bird on her shoulder. "How's that thar, me birdy?"

"Brawk," squawked Skippy from _That's What Happens When You Don't Pay Your Bills_, the author's Fullmetal Alchemist story. Yes, shameless selling out, I know, but still. "Skippy's hungry! Brawk! Skippy wants five bucks so Skippy can buy a proper meal! Brawk!"

Rath showed up behind her. "...Milady, why is there a raven on your shoulder?"

"Brawk! Skippy advises you not to ask stupid questions!"

"He's right, ya scall-a-wag," growled Lyn.

"...How long have you been hanging around Dart, Lyn?" he asked, not quite used to this behavoir but getting thar. There.

"None, matey!" answered Lyn, putting an eyepatch on.

"...Riiiiiiiiight. Well, help me get Guy down and you can go back to being... you..."

"I'd be right proud to help that thar youngun' down!" said Lyn happily.

"Why...?"

"Well, I dun rightly know, thar, Wrath!" answered Lyn, laughing.

"...Rath."

"That's what I said, Wrath."

"Nonono, it has _no_ W. Rath. It's spelled like it sounds."

"A-HEM! I'm still stuck, you know," said Guy, becoming impatient.

I'm surprised Guy hasn't passed out yet, aren't you? I mean, with all the blood rushed to his head, you'd imagine that, at the least, he'd be kinda woosy, huh? Ah, well.

"Help me down and help me find my missing... headband, hair-holder-thingy and belt!" he said desperately.

Rath shot an arrow at the boy's ankles, snapping the rope and getting him down effectively. Hey, I didn't say it had to be painless. Just effective. And he didn't specify, anyway.

"Oooow..."

"Sorry, boy," said Rath. "But you should really think before you're strung up by the ankles."

"I agree with Rath," said Lyn, taking off the eyepatch, losing the pirate accent and shooing Skippy away. "You should think your actions through before you decide to do anything."

"...What? Is this Moral Friday?" asked Guy skeptically. He crossed his arms and went off to find his missing things.

"...What's up with him?" asked Lyn, jabbing a thumb in Guy's direction. She laughed. "It's like he saw a pirate-ghost!"

Rath didn't answer. Instead, he slipped some Asprin while Lyndis wasn't looking. _This is going to be a loooong week..._

---------------------------------

TO BE CONTINUED...

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Oh. My. God.

Lyn, thinking she's a pirate? Where'd I get _that_ from...?

(insert Twilight Zone theme)


	3. UhOh: Plot Twist!

Nomads United

A/N: Third entry/update... Woo-hoo!

Darkness-Aura: Thanks again.

hyperness: Uh-huh. Yeah. About the shounen-ai... I don't like the Guy/Matthew pairing, because it just doesn't seem too... ethical. Perhaps I'd like it more if Guy was proven to be a woman and Matthew actually found that the kinkiest thing he's ever heard. But besides that, no, I do not support the Matthew/Guy pairing. That was a joke, but, yes, it was funny. And there might be a hint at Eliwood/Hector in this chapter, but only as another joke. Okay? Good.

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Chapter Two -- Uh-Oh: Plot Twist!

"Geitz, please, _please_ help me find my belt! I promise, after that, I won't make snide remarks about your bulky physique!" pleaded Guy, having already found his shoe, headband and hair-holder-thingy. Only his belt (which held the Killing Edge, not his sash... I'm not a _pervert_) and sword were missing, and he was resorting to some... drastic measures.

"No, girly-man!" Geitz refused.

Guy threw his arms out dramatically. "Whyever _NOT_, you sorry excuse for a pink-haired über-masculine body-builder??"

"Well, you called me... that for one thing," said Geitz. "Plus, I'm sure one of your girly friends could help you find it. Like... Farina!"

"But she's lost in Ilia! Didn't you read the last chapter?"

"...No. But, frankly, I don't care," said Geitz, poking Guy in the collarbone and succeeding at knocking the smaller man onto his butt. "Now get your curved hide outta here 'fore I do it fer ya!"

Guy grumbled, rose to his feet, then stomped to the tent flap. Then he turned. "I do _not_ have curves, you pedophile." With that, he threw open the flap and walked out.

"...His hips move like a woman's when he walks..." said Geitz thoughtfully to himself, then smacked himself with an axe for thinking such a thought. "Dammit! I swore on Geese that I wouldn't think like that ever again...!"

--With Rath

Rath adjusted the ropes. "There, milady," he said. "That should hold you until I come back."

Lyn grunted in annoyance. Partly for being tied to a flag pole and partly for being gagged. Rath mounted Pierrdro. "Well, you know what we Nomads say, milady: Truth be told, those chips suck. I don't know what it means, but that's what we say."

And he left her there, in the middle of the camp, with a sign that said, _Anyone who touches the rope dies_ taped above the Caelin noblewoman's head. She sighed, hanging her head in embarrassment.

Rath, on the other hand, had no problem with this, and wondered if even his sanity was at stake. Of course, since I like him too much to do that, no it will not happen.

"Ah, loopholes, loopholes..." sighed Rath dreamily. Pierrdro winnied. "No, Pierrdro, I don't think the author _does_ like me that much. She's just making excuses for herself again."

Snort, winny.

"...Shut up, nobody asked you, horse-boy," replied Rath.

Neigh.

"I _know_ we're supposed to further the plot, but how can we if the author switches plots like that?" Rath snapped a finger.

--With Eliwood and Hector

"SEE?" said Rath. "It's insane!"

"Shut up!" said the whole of the camp, waving him off.

Eliwood and Hector were with the tactition in the Tactical Planning Tent. The tactition was currently playing on her GBA, and was laughing insanely while muttering, "Guy shall be mine... Guy shall be mine... Heehee!"

Eliwood stared at her. "I can't believe she's straight."

"I know," sighed Hector. "It's almost like she's just _itching_ to make one of us her sex slave..."

"I'm too young for that and you know it!" screamed the tactition. Then she carressed his chest. "But I wouldn't mind you guys coming to school with me one day..."

"Your school must be more evil than you," sighed Eliwood.

"WHAT?" said the tactition in an unbelieving way. "Are you guys _gay_?"

"Of course not!" said Hector, sighing and shoving the tactition away. "We're just... He has a girlfriend!"

"Yeah!" Eliwood pulled Ninian from behind his back. "See?"

"Dragon girl there? HA!" scoffed the tactition. "She's not your _type_! At least I'm human!"

"Your story persona is usually a wolf-person anthromorph!" said Eliwood, tossing Ninian away.

"What's your point?" said the tactition wryly, eyeing him nastily. "At least I'm not _gay_."

Hector and Eliwood were speechless. And, yes, if you're wondering, this _is_ to move the plot along. 'Tis neither pointless nor off the subject, because this is precisely why this story was written: To entertain my public.

Suddenly, Erk ran into the tent. "Sires! Lady Tactition! We've just recieved a letter from Marquess Caelin... What the _hell_ are you doing, Lady Tactition?"

She was eyeing him in a playful manner. "Oh, nothing hot stuff!" she giggled maniacally, pouncing at him. He dodged with ease, and she crashed face-first into a table, into an unmoving heap.

"OOOog..."

"Okay," sighed Erk. "Well, anyway, the letter from Marquess Caelin states..."

--With Guy...

_I'm bored..._ thought Guy, having found his missing items and was now drawing circles in the dirt. _GOD, I'm bored... If I were any more bored, I'd be... Really, really bored! I gotta think about something..._

The image of Matthew laughing over Guy appeared.

_Nono, not that..._

Matthew kicking Guy's ass from here to Pharae appeared.

_Ugh, no..._

Matthew and Leila snogging appeared.

_Ew, where'd that come from?! No, can't think... negative... Matthew-filled thoughts...!_

WHUMP!

"AAUGH!" screamed Guy as he fell off the rock he was sitting on. A woman with dark hair and eyes the same color was standing over him. One of her sleeves was short and poofy, and was rainbow-patterened. She wore a black leather leotard, one long green boot and one short green boot, and had on brass knuckles.

"Oops, sorry about that," said the woman. "Wrong game."

She ran off, feathers fluttering around the spot where she'd been standing.

Guy was silent. "...Did she have peacock feathers?" he asked himself at last. He shook his head. "NO! Of course not... But... I am smitten by her oddly good looks."

He stared after her, and the screen around her grew pink and cloudy. Romance music played in the background.

"I must know her name!" he said to himself, punching one hand with a closed fist. "If only I could do so without it looking like I was stalking her..."

The woman looked back, quirking an eyebrow at him. "Erm, kid? You all right?"

"Huh? Yeah..." mumbled Guy, drooling.

"..." said the woman. "You need a tissue or something, you know. You're drooling."

"Huh? Sorry," said Guy, taking out a hanky and wiping his mouth. "Sooo... What's your name?"

"Savyna," said Savyna. "What's yours?"

"Guy."

"'Guy,' huh? Funny name," laughed Savyna.

"Er... I'm a Nomad, that's the only reason why my name is Guy," said Guy.

Savyna laughed again. "Okay, Nomad-boy. You know what? You're kinda cute..."

Ah, young love... Well, actually, Savyna's twenty-six and Guy's sixteen so that makes them kinda... ten years apart, right? Yeah... But still. They'd make a cute couple. Besides the impending rape lawsuit thrown out there by Guy's mom.

"Tell me, Guy," said Savyna, walking up to him. "Where am I, exactly?"

"At the border of Ostia and Caelin," explained Guy. "Where're you from?"

"Waterfall Village, Anuenue," replied Savyna. "I was just attacking a monster when I was pulled into a dimensional rift and got pulled in here..."

"I think the author has something to do with that," Guy pointed out.

"I think you're right."

Silence.

"Wanna go grab some coffee?" suggested Savyna.

"Sure," shrugged Guy.

And into the sunset they walked, although it was only eleven in the morning. Don't ask me how they did that; maybe it was Savyna's peacock feathers!

--Rath...

"Toldya so, Pierrdro," said Rath. Hey, that rhymed! Toldya so, Pierrdro... Heheh. "The author's more random than Rikku on a sugar high."

Snort.

"Yeah, who _is_ Rikku, anyway?" Rath shrugged, sighed and waved it off. "Doesn't matter. Anywho, let's check on Lyn."

Lyn had somehow gotten loose from her bonds, and was currently dancing while Serra shared a duet with her.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout!" they sang together. "Here is my handle, here is my spout!" Lyn twisted her arms in different positions. Rath stared in disbelief. "When I get all steamed up, here me shout! So pick me up and pour me out!"

Before Rath could do anything, they started another song: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes!"

Rath sighed. This really _was_ going to be a looong week.

--Eliwood and Hector in the Tactical Planning Tent...

Eliwood and Hector stood, mouths agape. Erk pushed their mouths shut. "You heard right... Nergal's found out how to take over the bodies of other people... With the help of Sonia, I mean. Anyway, some bodies handle it better than others... If he were to, say, take over... Priscilla or Serra's bodies, then they would become unspeakably evil. A stronger person, however, like Raven or Jaffar, would expell it and become..."

There was a pause in the words. Eliwood and Hector stared at him expectantly.

"...Unspeakably... insane," he finished.

They stared at each other.

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TO BE CONTINUED...

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Ooooh, plot twist! How unexpected. (rolls eyes)

Anywho, Savyna is copyright to Namco. So is Baten Kaitos. I own that as much as I own Fire Emblem, although I do have a copy of Baten Kaitos...

Plus, that just shows how much I like to torture some of my favorite characters! Yeah, randomnessness!


	4. Lyn: Something of Somethingness

Nomads United

A/N: ...Third... Chapter... Ugh, growing faint... Oh, sorry about the whole getting off the subject, last chapter. Lyn was tied up and thus, boring and not doing anything. Now, however, there will be a chapter completely focused around her and only her! Oh, and some pointless cameos that I thought would be funny.

Heheh... I'm having writer's block, is all...

Darkness-Aura: Thanks for the insight, there.

------------------------------

Chapter Three -- Lyn: Something of Somethingness

_Aside from that plot-twist..._ thought Lyn. _I'd say that I'm hating this fic more and more by the second!_

Lyn. Puppet. How could that be? She was too... masculine in an effeminate way to be controlled like that! Or, it could be that the Black Fang was done controlling powerful people and picked her out of a hat at random and just went about their business.

--Black Fang Headquaters, about a week beforehand--

Nergal sighed as Sonia smirked behind him. "Okay, who're we controlling _this_ time, without bribe and/or threat and/or blackmail?"

Limstella shifted nervously. "Erm... We don't have any idea whatsoever, sir. So..." She pulled out a hat that looked oddly similar to Disney World's Mickey Mouse hats. "You have to pull a name... at random. Heheh..."

Nergal raised his only visible eyebrow. "That's your brilliant way of picking people?"

Limstella shrugged. "It's worked in the past, sir."

"Whatever," sighed Nergal, dunking his hand into the hat full of names. He pulled one out. "Lyndis? You mean that green-haired woman whom it turns out is the heir to Marquess Caelin?" He laughed. "Oh, how pathetic... Whatever." He snapped his fingers, and thus Lyn was cursed.

--Back with Lyn--

So, Lyn, being the reasonably reasonable person she is, tried to deal with it on her own. Unfortunately, it didn't go so well as she had originally planned, and, as it turned out, she was getting crazier by the second.

"Koo-koo-kachu! I am the walrus!" she said, smiling dementedly. "And not only that; I am the eggman, I am the eggman... Okay, _now_ I'm the walrus!" She jumped up and down on one foot.

Perhaps this would be a little easier for her to understand if she wasn't _a loony_ at the moment, but she was, and... Well, it was pretty obvious what was going on in her brain. Actually, it wasn't at all, but bear with it, people. This story is only going to have about eight chapters. This being one of them.

"Hey," she said suddenly. "Why'd you punch Randy Travis?" Serra, the only one nearby, looked at her, an eyebrow quirked.

"HUH?" she asked. "What's that supposed to mean? And who the heck is Randy Travis?"

Lyn shrugged. "Dunno." She threw on a cap with a curvy 'M' on it. "Now, get to work, slacker! It's time for the rush-hour-lunch, and I'm not about to get my ass written up on my land-lady's hit list!"

Serra, although utterly confused, saluted, then straightened up. "What should I do, ma'am?"

"Go grill some burgers, whip some cream on those milk shakes, then fry some fries!" commanded Lyn, sternly. She pointed into the distance. "Get moving, soldier!"

Serra saluted again, then ran off.

"Hard worker, good worker," said Lyn, holding up her hands like scales. "Hard over good? I think _not_!" She laughed maniacally, slapping both hands together and rubbing them together, as would a Bond villain. "Now, where was I? Ah, yes -- I need to recruit more workers! Fwahahaha!"

Matthew happened to be passing by, and threw his cape back dramatically, when it got stuck in the fan that Legault had set up for the effect. Matthew started gagging.

"Oh (censored)!" cursed Legault, banging on the contraption repeatedly. He panicked, then started kicking it.

Matthew managed to choke out five words: "I... don't--think--it's-helping!"

Finally, Legault pulled out his cell-phone and called up...

BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUMM!

"Shut _up_, Joe Narrator!" he told the narrator.

Joe stalked off to do whatever it is that narrators do. Which is narrate.

Anywho, Legault pulled out his cell-phone and called up Karel. Karel, of all people...

"What?" asked Karel, appearing suddenly, as though he'd been caught on a drifting wind. He sniffed the air. "I smell... death..."

Matthew was now on the ground, twitching every now and then. Lyn wasn't helping, although it seemed as though she was trying... She'd pulled out a nail file and started filing away at the fan.

Karel stared at them, then approached the fan and tapped the 'On/Off' button with his toe. The fan turned off, and Matthew's cape was still caught in it, but Lyn finally managed to file through the metal barrier that were the wires covering the actual fan itself, and untangled Matthew's cape.

"Oh... My... God..." Matthew gasped for air, tugging at his cape sharply. "Legault, the next time... I suggest something like that..."

There was a pause. Legault raised his eyebrows and fiddled with his hair nervously. "...Yes?"

"Don't listen to me," panted Matthew, still lying there, "And knock me out with a dart..."

"Okay," said Legault, his eyes shifting around as he slunk off. Like a _thief_. "Oh, touché," he commented, sarcastically. He rolled his eyes and slipped off into the shadows to go and steal something from someone; come on! He was feeling down. (collective "AAAAAAWWWW!" can be heard in the background from the author, the narrator, and the author's friends)

Lyn looked at Matthew. "What did you want to tell me?" she asked, looking into his eyes, as she was staring at him up-side-down. He sighed, still panting, then closed his eyes.

"Erm... Yes, milady," he coughed. "I was wondering... Do you have Guy's cell-phone number?"

Lyn cocked an eyebrow at him. "Why would I know something like _that_?"

"Well, uhhh..." said the thief, thinking quickly and replying half as quickly. "I just figured, since you're a... a Nomad, and all..."

"Oh, so you think I'd hoard off that confidential information and just give it to the public at random?" she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "How can you expect me to do something so cruel and unusual?"

Silence. Matthew coughed.

"...Umm... Did you?" he asked at last.

Lyn looked kind of ashamed. She fidgeted with one of her two belts. "Yes..." she muttered.

"So... Can I have his number?" asked Matthew, a hopeful air about him.

The Nomad girl put her hands on her hips sternly, glaring at him. "NO!"

"Awww..." groaned Matthew. Then he got up, dusted himself off, adjusted his cloak, and sulked off to brood on random thoughts.

And Lyn smiled like a moron, quite proud with herself. _Ahhh... I hate being insane... It's so... boring and uneventful!_

--------------------------------------------

TO BE CONTINUED...

--------------------------------------------

Sorry that was so short... I was off the subject last chapter and I wanted to get back on like that (snaps fingers). Yes, that Randy Travis joke was inspired by King of the Hill, but I did not think that was the funniest material I had.

I'm saving that for the last chapter. And if you don't like spoilers...

I won't give you any!

I am the Walrus is copyright the Beatles. John Lennon and Paul McCartney had _nothing_ to do with this fic. I swear, they are _not_ my writers. (pa-dum, CHIII!)


	5. Chapter 3point5

Nomads United

A/N: Just appreciating everything that you guys say.

Darkness-Aura: Suuuuuure you're not. Psycho.

hyperness: Hmm. I sure do have the wackiest reviewers out there. And yes, Savyna; she's from a game that's sure to be popular once people stop caring about their favorite movie titles. If you guys were subscribed to Nintendo Power (c), you would know, wouldn't you?

--------------------------

Chapter 3.5 -- The Randomest Chapter Yet -PLUS- A Cameo of the FFX Cast!

Lyn sighed. Okay, she'd just talked to Eliwood and Hector, and found out what was going on.

"So... I'm..." Her face contorted into an odd look: Something between a dork's and an idiot's. "Cr-ray-zee?"

"No, you're perfectly normal," said Eliwood sarcastically. "Of course you're crazy! You've gone insane because of Nergal and his nefarious plotting!"

There was silence.

"I don't think the author even knows what the word 'nefarious' means," Hector commented, wrinkling his brow.

"I think you're right," agreed Eliwood.

"I think you're both right," nodded Erk.

"I think you think that they think they're both right!" said the tactition, who was sitting in a chair bound by a straightjacket.

"What?" asked Lyn. "Whatever! Look, I did _not_ have sex with that woman."

They all stared at her.

"Lyn thinking she's the fourty-second president..." sighed Eliwood. He rubbed his temples. "What _is_ this world-- no, what _is_ the author coming to?"

"...Insanity?" shrugged the tactition.

"I think you're--" started Hector.

"Oh no, we're not starting this again!" Erk stopped Hector, knowing that the tactition was just about as insane as (if not moreso) the author herself.

"Sorry," said the tactition and Hector at the same time, looking sheepish.

--Meanwhile, in the real world--

_(Based on a true story)_

The author was listening to an 'Eyes on Me' (from FF8) midi, and whistling to it. She was also playing FFX, which had nothing to do with this story. How could she write a story, play a game, and listen to music all at the same time, you ask? Well, she was multitasking, that's how. (end of true story)

Yes, that was irrelevent to the plot line (?), but so was what I just said. About it being irrelevent to the plot line, since everything written is irrelevent to the plot line.

_Anyway_, the door busted down, and in walked two FBI agents. One was looking around and acting all cool, and the other was holding a gun at her.

She screamed like a wussy.

"Do you have permission from Square Electronics, INC. to be listening to that music, or playing that game?" he asked in a smooth, dark voice. "And do you have permission from Nintendo of America to be writing that story?"

The author looked confused and glanced around. "...Does it matter?" she asked finally.

"Ma'am, I'll need to see your liscense," said the other man.

"What liscense?"

The man rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses. "Your author liscense! It needs to be revoked, I think."

"You think?"

"You think he thinks?" asked the author.

"No. He thinks that your liscense should be revoked."

"So that was just a sarcastic comment?"

"I think so," said the cool dude.

"So... You think he thinks that you think so?" asked the author, wrinkling her brow.

"I think," said the other man with the gun pointed at the author's head.

"You think he thinks that you think that he thinks so?" said a very confused author.

"What? No!" said the cool dude.

"I think it's time to stop this--" started the other man, but the author held up a hand in a 'stop' motion.

"You think it's time to stop this and that he thinks that you think that he thinks that you think so?"

"Shut up!" said the men in unison.

The author thought a few minutes, then smiled. "You mean to say they've taken what we thought we think and made us think our thoughts we've been thinking our thoughts we think we thought... Ya think?"

The FBI agents stared at her in dumbfoundment.

--SCREEEEEE!!

Lyn popped her head in through a dark abyss. She was holding up a sign that said '**FREEDOM TO THE CHOCOBOS**' in large, bold letters (as seen here). She was also wearing a yellow cap with big, yellow feathers sticking out of it.

"FREEDOM TO THE CHOCOBOS!!" she yelled loudly in the direction of a chocobo pen that happened to appear out of nowhere. Tidus, Yuna and Lulu were also holding up signs that said '**FREEDOM TO THE CHOCOBOS**' or '**CHOCOBOS HAVE FEELINGS, TOO!**'.

Auron and Kimahri were standing off to the side, not saying or doing anything. Rikku was wearing the same cap as Lyn, was riding bare-backed on a chocobo and screaming, 'FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOM!!!" at the top of her lungs, as the chocobos' 'warks' chorused in the background and they ran around and/or away from the pen.

This is what happens when the author leaves her computer.

It also adds to the storyline, because the cast of Final Fantasy X shall be used in later chapters as well.

---------------------------------------

TO BE CONTINUED...

---------------------------------------

Those chappies are becoming shorter an' shorter, eh?

(shrugs) Ah, well, I don't really care as long as you review. (dons an Uncle Sam hat and points at the reader) We need _you_... to review.


	6. The Twochaptered Finale

Nomads United

A/N: Because I've recently added Chapter 3.5, I decided that now would be a great time to give you not _only_ Chapter Four, but Chapter Five as well, for I've got the whole weekend to write it...

Reviewer Responses:

Welcome to my newest part of this fic, the Reviewer Responses! (you already knew that, didn't you?)

Darkness-Aura: I understand that it went from funny to insanity to more insanity, but bear with it; this chapter, we find out what's _really_ happening to our dear Lyn. (pishaw)

The Drizzit: Well, better go find a fic that actually makes sense whilst being funny at the same time, 'cause this is the wrong one. Oh, and, if you pictured Lyn going insane and doing stuff that isn't in this fic, you're outta luck there, too. Sorry.

seadragon: Okay, well, your dreams have come true!

Footleeismysexysensei: Haha! Thanks. Oh, and keep writing Caelin Anonymous. That's kinda where I got the title of this story from...

canas-obsession: Really? Thanks. Keep reading.

And, that's it! Really, I mean it... (shifts eyes around then hijacks a car)

------------------------

Chapter Four -- Voodoo Dolls of Doom

In a dark and musty room (aka--the author's basement), walking sounds could be heard. Suddenly, crashing could be heard.

CRASH, BOOM, SMASH!!

Silence.

"Ooooh..." groaned a voice. "That's the last time I come down here without turning on the lights..."

The owner of the voice got up, walked over to the wall, and a flicking sound... sounded. The lights clicked on, revealing none other than...

SEPHIROTH??! What the he...

"Yes, yes, my dear readers," he smirked, "'Tis I, Sephiroth, master of _eeeeeeviiiil..._"

But, Sephy! This is a _Fire Emblem_ fic! You belong all the way over in Final Fantasy VII!

"True, Joe, but," said Sephiroth, tinkering with a remote he found. The big-screen TV flicked on. "I'm the _ultimate eeeeeeeviiiil!_"

"I beg to differ!" said a creepy voice. Out from the shadows popped a familiar white-haired, tan-skinned, white-eyed guy from Kingdom Hearts.

Oh, not you too!

"Correct, Joe," laughed Ansem like a mad-man (which he wasn't far from being), "For I have been sucked through that fluctuation in the space-time-continuum that brought Savyna here from Baten Kaitos."

That's different! The author intended that!

"Yeah, but, you do know what happens when you don't close a hole in the space-time-continuum, right?" asked a seductive voice from the shadows.

For the love of...

Lust from Fullmetal Alchemist stepped out of the shadows as well, blending in more than Ansem had. "Yeah, I decided to come along for the ride... Besides, everyone knows that _I'm_ not only sexy, but the most evil person in anime-history to boot--"

"That is not so," said an emotionless voice from the shadows.

This is starting to get old.

Okay, so Sesshomaru walked out of the shadows, though how he could blend in was beyond even the author.

"I was around for three years before you, you slut-whore, you," he said. "Besides, everyone knows that tormenting your own brother is more annoying and evil than tormenting some punk you stalk around the world."

"Not so!" screeched another voice from the shadows.

For God's sakes, stop it already!

The Wicked Witch of the West stepped out of the shadows, laughing. "Heeheehee!" she cackled. "Just give me those slippers, and you'll be fine, my pretty-- Hey, waitaminute... Where's that brat?"

"I have no idea who you're talking about, but she sure ain't here," said Ansem, cocking an eyebrow. "But the _Darkness_ shall overcome this world, and I'll make sure I'm the one to do it! FWAHAHAHAHA!!" He then proceeded to laugh maniacally for about twenty minutes.

The others went about their own business for that duration of time.

"What should we do first?" asked Sephiroth, bored.

Sesshomaru shrugged. "I dunno..."

The WWW (Wicked Witch of the West) cackled again. "Howsabout some evil coffee and doughnuts?" she asked in that annoying voice.

Lust shrugged. "Why not? We've got nothing better to do, anyway."

So they went to Starbucks, the most evil coffee-and-doughnuts-retail-business EVAH!

--Now, back to the story...

The tactition had somehow made her own Fire Emblem dolls from some old clothes she didn't need anymore. For the most part, the tactition's name has been changed to Gen. She threw her Lyndis doll across the room.

"Take _that_, you man-stealer!" she screamed. "Both Hector _and_ Eliwood! And occasionally Rath and/or Guy!" She fell to the ground, weeping. Suddenly, in a burst of smoke, Hannah appeared.

"I can make all your dreams come true!" she laughed.

Gen looked up. "Really?" she asked in a hopeful voice.

"Maybe," shrugged the old hag. "Now, dear, what do you want?"

"For Lyn to be _dead_!" replied Gen.

"Sorry, hun, that's against regulations," said Hannah, checking her nails.

"Why!?" cried the tactition, shaking Hannah by the shoulders.

"Because, we can't kill, maim, or torture anyone," said Hannah. "Old Hag Rule #6957370. You try do disprove it, and you'll be turned into an old hag later on in life."

Now, the tactition/author didn't take too kindly to this, so she thought for a few seconds. "I wish I had my own Lyndis voodoo doll!" she said at last, smiling broadly.

"So you wish it..." sighed Hannah. "So shall it be..."

A large cloud of smoke filled the room, Hannah reeled back like casting a spell, and... She pulled out a bag, sprinkled something that looked like pixy-dust on the Lyn doll, and went about her business, hobbling away.

Gen stared after her.

"Hey! Don't I get another wish or something...?" she asked. "Aw, who cares? Let's test this baby out..."

She picked up a knife, and, as skillfully as she could, threw it at the Lyn doll. It landed at the bottom of the doll's outfit, skewering the doll to the ground.

Gen ran out of the tent. Lyn was outside, screaming as a sword had pinned her down to the ground. Priscilla was running around in a blind panic like a chicken without a head. Lucius was asking Lyndis if she could get up. Kent was trying to pull the sword out of the ground, and Sain was watching in wonder.

"Getitoutgetitout!" screeched Lyn.

The tactition turned around, rubbing her hands together evilly. She laughed like a mix between an idiot and an evil genius. "Purrrfect..." she purred like Catwoman, then turned around, acting innocent and masking her mirth. Haha, alliteration.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, gasping. "Whatever happened, milady?"

"Oh, loyal Gen," breathed Lyndis. "I'm afraid I'm on my last leg... I'm... going to be reunited with my parents soon..."

"You're going to a family reunion?" asked Gen like a moron.

"No, you idiot," growled Sain. "She thinks she's going to die-- Oh, my God! Did I just call you an idiot?!" He started panicking. "AAAAAGH!! I'm so sorry, Lady Gen!"

"Think nothing of it, Sain," sighed Gen dreamily.

"Lyn, you're not going to die," sighed Kent, still trying to get the sword out of the ground.

"Yes I am! Don't make this too long, just... put me out of my misery!" she yelled, tears forming in her eyes. Then she spotted Priscilla. "Priscilla!" she screeched in joy, sitting up. "Heal me, O healer!"

"But, you are uninjured," said Priscilla. "It says so in the command menu." The blue menu had popped up by her, and no 'staff' command had appeared.

Lyn sighed in relief, then pulled the sword out with ease. "Oh, thank the gods..." she sighed. Again. Gen snapped her fingers in dismay. "I'm just glad nobody has an evil voodoo doll and wants to kill me because I supposedly stole said nobody's man. And/or men."

Gen stared at her, mouth agape. _How the heck does that idiot know?!_ she thought. Serra came up, closed Gen's mouth, then sighed.

"Whassamatter?" she asked.

Gen blubbered, then shouted, "She knows about my frikkin' evil conspiracies!"

A booming noise sounded from the other side of the encampment. Because they had nothing better to do, they all ran to find the source of the big bang. (pa-dum, CHIII!)

--Meanwhile...

"EEEHEEHEE!!" cackled the WWW. She was flying on her broom. "I'll get you, and your little boyfriend too, my pretty!" she called after Isadora, who was in the arms of Harken, who was fleeing the scene.

Nino cast Elfire on Sephiroth, who brushed it away like a feather.

He stood over her. "Oh, it's a little girl, using magic haphazardly while nobody seems to give a crap that she could somehow kill everyone whilst using said magic! You're adorable." He pulled out his sword. "Too bad I'll have to kill you."

"EEEEEEEEEE!!" shrieked Nino, running for her life.

Legault just stood there. A piece of flaming shrapnel landed about five inches from his foot. He blinked.

Lust seemed to hover over to him. She looked him up and down, then gave a wolf-whistle. "Why, hello there. I don't believe we've met."

"No, I doubt we have," coughed Legault.

There was silence as the chaos around them unfolded; Heath skewered the Wicked Witch of the West, since she was so frikkin' pathetic, and Hyperion started munching on the dead witch's carcass. After one bite, he spit her out. Sesshy was busying himself in a staring contest with Jaffar, neither one of them blinking. Nino scampered up Jaffar's body, onto his shoulders, whimpering like a scared puppy. Or Daxter.

Legault coughed again. Lust then dropped dead.

Marcus had stuck his Silver Lance through the homunculus (more on that later), and she was now twitching as she revived herself.

--Meanwhile...

On a hill overlooking all of this, Guy and Savyna were sitting in the sunset. Yes, I know it was only early afternoon when this all started, but let's say that they can defy all laws of physics, okay?

"..." said Savyna. "Guy."

"Yeah?"

"I... I need to go back to my own game," she said.

Guy blinked. "What... What do you mean, love-bird?"

"Guy..." sighed Savyna. "I don't belong here. It's all the author's fault, but someone has to take the blame when she doesn't! Look, I have to go... Go back to Baten Kaitos. I left the guys hanging... They were fighting the Tree Guardian..."

Her Nomad boyfriend didn't look happy.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." she sighed. "But... We could be pen-pals, eh?"

"Really? That really works?" asked Guy in disbelief.

"As long as the author says so it does," shrugged Savyna. "Now, that fluctuation in the space-time-continuum... I wonder where it could be...?"

--Meanwhile...

On the Destiny Islands, said fluctuation in the space-time-continuum had appeared over a rise in the land in the form of a huge, swirling black vortex with a creamy red middle.

Sora looked up at the shadow that had appeared.

"(censored)!" he cursed, whacking its hand with his Keyblade. It screeched in pain, then disappeared, never to be seen again. The fluctuation shuddered, then went into reverse, like a vacuum-cleaner. It spit out everything: The island, the homes on the aforementioned island, the residents of the aformentioned homes on the aformentioned island, and Riku and Kairi.

Nobody said anything as the vortex floated off.

Riku coughed uncomfortably.

"Well, there goes the sequel..." sighed Sora, as Kairi glomped him.

--Back with Fire Emblem cast...

"Run away!" screamed Nils, making a break for it. Ninian glowed blue and grew thirty-feet tall, formed scales and fins, and became her former ice-dragon self. She thwacked Sephiroth with her tail, causing him to be rocketed thousands of miles away.

He screamed as he was sucked into the approaching fluctuation in the space-time-continuum.

Dramatic music flared up as Savyna and Guy swapped good-byes.

"Savyna..." said Guy. "No matter where you are... I'll always think of you..."

"Same here, Guy," said Savyna. They hugged, and a collective 'AWWWWW' sounded from the whole of the cast of this story, even the villains.

"I love you, Savyna," said Guy, tearing up.

Savyna let go of him. "I have to go... I have to save those weeklings of party members I have..."

"I'll miss you..."

Savyna started flying off. "I know..."

"Please don't fall for that idiot Gibari!"

"I won't!"

"Bye, my brightly-feathered angel!"

"Bye, my Nomad-honey-bun!"

With that, everyone who didn't belong in this whacked-up story was sucked up into the vortex.

---------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Five -- You Want a Finale? Tough Cookies!

Everyone pitched in to clean up the encampment.

Well, besides Eliwood and Hector, who were too busy interrogating a certain boggly-eyed villain...

"Why'd you do it?" asked Eliwood, pacing in front of the bound-to-a-chair Nergal.

Nergal rolled his visible eye. "I don't know! We picked her name at frikkin' random out of a frikkin' hat!"

"Well, undo the spell," said Hector. He brandished the Wolf Beil. "Or else you're gonna need that googly-eye, fuzz..."

"Fuzz?" asked Nergal. "_Fuzz_? Who the heck says _fuzz_?!"

"JUST undo the spell," said Eliwood. "Before Hector has fun slicin'-and-dicin' your carcass into fifty-bajillion pieces."

"Haha, joke's on you," laughed Nergal. "There is no number in existance known as 'bajillion'!"

"Who cares, you sorry excuse for a lunatic?" scoffed Hector. He thwacked Nergal with the flat of his axe. "Now, undo the spell!"

"Fine, just untie me, savages," snorted Nergal.

Eliwood undid the bonds, yet kept Nergal's feet bound.

"Oh, now I can't run away... How dreadful," said Nergal sarcastically.

"Shut up and do it, moron!" shouted Eliwood, not in the mood for this. He stabbed Nergal in the arm.

"OH!" shrieked Nergal. "That was uncalled for, you bastard!"

"You wanna lose more than just a few drops o' blood?" asked Hector, becoming impatient.

"Fine. But you'll be sorry..."

With that, Nergal started chanting an ancient incantation of sorts. The tent grew dark, and suddenly the Flux opened up. It glowed purple and shot out of the tent, straight for...

--Meanwhile...

"Lalalalalala," said Lyn, skipping around. Rikku from Final Fantasy X was skipping with her.

"We're gonna free the Chocobos," they sang in unison. "We're gonna free the Chocobos!"

BOOOM!!

A blast of purple light hit Lyn, Rikku scampered off, and everybody in the immediate area shielded their eyes.

"EEEEEK!!" screamed Lyn.

The light died down. Guy walked up to her, poked her with his foot, and leaned down. Rath dismounted Pierrdro.

Pierrdro snorted.

"Who _knows_ if she's dead, Pierrdro?" he asked.

"Easy," said Guy. "If she was dead, the game would end..."

"What? What is this game of which you speak?" asked Rath, cocking an eyebrow at the boy.

Guy looked around nervously.

"Erm... Nothing," he said quickly.

--Back in the tent...

"Sorry for what? You helping us?" laughed Hector.

"No, you nimrods," growled Nergal. "I'm going to give your children the _nastiest_ cases of ADD this side of the country."

Hector stopped laughing immediately. Eliwood stared at Nergal, his eyebrows practically in his hair.

"And that's it?"

"That's it. Any shaman could've done it--"

"Hold up!" said Hector, holding up a hand. "You mean we could've gotten that klutzy booksmart weirdo Canas to do this the whole time?!"

"I guess," shrugged Nergal. "Well, I'd best be off. Wouldn't want Limstella and Ephidel to wait for dinner!"

With that, the Dark Druid disappeared in a blast of purple light.

Dark Druid! Let's get dangerous...

And then, the world grew dark, and all ended.

--The End.

-----

And thus ends the miraculously stupid and pointless fanfiction, Nomads United. But, you probably want those little 'epilogue-in-an-epilogue' kinda shorts, don't ya? I know you...

----

**Lyndis, Noblewoman of Caelin:**

Lyn regained sanity soon afterwards and realized she had nothing to do with Eliwood's stupid quest to kill Nergal. She now enjoys weekends with her grandfather in the gardens at Castle Caelin, and oftentimes romp merrily in the meadows together.

**Eliwood, Marquess Pharae's Son:**

Eliwood, like the pansy he is, later gave up his quest to find Nergal. Oh well. We don't care, do we?

**Hector, Marquess Ostia:**

Hector and his lackeys, Serra, Matthew, and Oswin, left for Ostia the very next day. Thank you idiocy.

**Rath, of the Kutolah:**

Rath and Pierrdro had many wacky adventures until they reached the lands of their birth. Rath had a huge welcoming party and knocked up some random chick.

**Guy, of the Kutolah:**

Guy returned home with Rath, only to be babied by his over-protective mother. He then left, trained a little more, and eventually became the Saint of Swords. Yep. That's pretty interesting. (rolls eyes)

**Matthew, the Enigmatic Thief:**

Matthew scrutinized Guy one-too-many times and ended up with the toughest job given to a spy in service of House Ostia yet: He had to travel to Eutruria to be in leagues with the Black Fang. Heh. Pretty ironic, if you think about it. I mean, Leila was killed by the Black Fang, then Matthew goes and joins them. I guess Hector's not as level-headed as he might possibly seem to a moron.

**Erk, the Mage:**

Erk went his own way and has been spotted in a few regions. He eventually came to Ostia, out of dumb luck (for Serra, that is), and found himself escorting Serra _again._

**Serra, the Cleric:**

Serra went back to Ostia with Hector, stayed there awhile, annoying people. She even killed one guy with her endless ranting. Anyway, Erk appeared at the door-step of House Ostia one day and ended up escorting her somewhere.

**Jaffar, Assassin Extrordinaire:**

Jaffar and Nino lived a pleasant life together-- Oh, wait, no they didn't. They got drunk one night, Jaffar kinda... You know, and Nino had twins nine months later. Jaffar dumped Lugh and Rei on Nino and ran off, claiming that mercenaries were 'hunting him relentlessly'. Yeah, sure.

**Canas, the Useless Shaman:**

Canas returned to his wife and son, Hugh. They had a nice life together until global warming caused a snow-storm in Badon, killing Canas and his wife. Hugh remained with his grandmother, Canas's whiney mom.

**Priscilla, the Troubadour:**

Priscilla and Raven spent a little time bonding until Raven ran off one day. Heh. Talk about untrustworthy.

**Raven, the Over-Protective Mercenary:**

Raven and Priscilla bonded until he ran off one day, escaping the feds. With a valiant cry of "CHEESE IT, THE FEDS!", he took off, threw Priscilla somewhere safe, and sped around until he came to Araphen. There, he spent a quiet life with nobody.

**Rebecca, the Less-than-Important Archer:**

Rebecca and Wil wed and had a son named Wolt. He looks absolutely nothing like Raven.

**Wil, the Other Less-than-Important Archer:**

Wil quit talking so much one day, decided to settle down, and pulled Rebecca's name out of a hat at random. They married, and had a son named Wolt.

**Isadora, the One Not Mentioned Much:**

Isadora served under Pharae for five more years until she finally came out of hiding of her commitment fear and married Harken. They had a well-deserved honey-moon in Ilia, where they picked up Fiora, Florina, and Farina on the side of a road.

**Nino, the Mage who acts like Daxter:**

Nino and Jaffar got drunk. Nino had twins. Jaffar left them. Need I say more?

**Legault, the Guy with Tight Pants:**

Legault started a refugee camp in sounthern Bern, welcoming all veterans of the Black Fang who didn't like it anymore. He met some very interesting people: Gary Coleman, Madonna, and Bruce Willis.

**Heath, the Straight Wyvern-Knight:**

Heath flew off one day with Hyperion and never returned. Actually, they just went to Ilia and fought off some rogues for a while... Nothing special, if you ask me.

**Vaida, Nominee for Bitch of the Year:**

Vaida went to some random place afterwards, never to be heard from again.

**Ninian, the Dragon Dancer:**

Ninian returned to her own realm, only to be brought out about _one-hundred _more times because of deranged authors who actually think that she and Eliwood could work something out. I mean, come on-- She returned to her own realm at the _very end of the game_, so how the _hell_ can she be his wife?! Think _logically_, people!

**Nils, the Dragon Bard:**

Nils, wanting to go solo after hundreds of years playing Ninian's understudy, left for an acting career. He changed his name to 'Haley Joel Osment', dyed his hair, and starred in a movie called 'the Sixth Sense.' It makes perfect sense, too. Later, he went on to play the voice of the star of 'Kingdom Hearts', Sora!

**Harken, Least-Noticed of them All:**

Harken and Isadora got married, went to Ilia and found the Pegasus Sisters. I don't feel like writing that all over again, okay?!

**Pent, Mage-General of Eutruria:**

Pent and Louise _finally_ had a kid; a blonde girl named Clarine. She went Troubadour and was a very handy asset in Fire Emblem 6.

**Louise, Wife of Pent:**

Louise quit bitching about not having a kid long enough to make one. To make a long story short, their daughter is almost identical to the sniper.

**Renault, Whom is Hardly Mentioned Ever:**

Renault returned to a quiet life of being unnoticed. He thought long and hard about killing everybody off, but finally decided on just relaxing in his new home: Orlando, Florida.

**Oswin, Knight of Ostia:**

Oswin got bored one day and started his own club for knights in armor.

**Wallace, Knight of Caelin:**

Wallace joined Oswin's little club and together they fulfilled a dream: To be the greatest duo in history!

**Karla, Sister of the Psycho Karel:**

Karla found out how demented her brother really was and died. Poor Karla.

**Karel, Psycho Killer/Swordsman:**

Karel finally found out how stupid he looked with a demented smile, cut his hair and gained a more sentimental look. He cameos in Fire Emblem 6.

**Bartre, Who Grows a Mustache:**

Bartre cameod in Fire Emblem 6 and, as his title suggests, grew a mustache. A stylish one, at that.

**Geitz, Who was Only in One Chapter:**

Geitz and Geese lived a happy life until Geese went off to be in FE6. Curse you, Geese, curse you!

**Dorcas, the One with the Weird Name:**

Dorcas and Natalie lived out a full and happy life together in Bern. Dorcas finally earned enough money for Natalie's medecine and they then lived even _more_ happily.

**Lowen, Knight of Pharae:**

Lowen went on to be the best chef in Lycia, earning title of 'Iron Chef Pharae.' He whupped the competition easily.

**Marcus, Knight who is Succeeded By Lowen:**

Marcus was disgruntled and settled down afterwards, because he could.

**Hawkeye, who was Not in this Fic at All:**

Hawkeye returned to Nabata to his daughter and wife. He's enjoying the sandstorms...

**Dart, aka Dan:**

Dart aka Dan returned to Pharae with Rebecca, his little sister, and welcomed his nephew, Wolt. Oh, boy. Don't leave Dart and Wolt in the same room together...

**Sain, Perverted yet Attractive Knight of Caelin:**

Sain never did find the perfect lady... But he did have the tactition to grovel before him.

**Kent, Knight Commander of Caelin:**

Kent welcomed two young knights into the Caelin barracks when he turned thirty-one: Alan and Lance. Little did he know that the duo would take over his and Sain's roles in the sequel to this prequel...

**Farina, Fiora and Florina, the Pegasus Sisters of Ilia:**

Well, I think I'd better show you...

(scene: the snowy land of Ilia. The sisters walk through the forest still, shivering and hungry.)

"I... Can't take this anymore!" screamed Fiora, almost ripping out her hair. "That's it! I'm going back the way we came!"

"I see light..." muttered Florina.

"You do?!" said Farina and Fiora simultaneously. They pushed each other out of the way to reach the edge of the forest.

Farina laughed with joy, kissing the frozen meadow, with no woodland areas for miles around except the one behind them. "OH GOD, I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU, LAND!" she screamed, tears forming in her eyes and rolling down her cheeks, only to be frozen.

"I know the feeling, Farina!" cried Fiora in happiness. She and Florina danced around a bit.

Suddenly, a carriage with the words 'Just Married' written on the side in black paint pulled up. Isadora opened the door.

"Oh, dear! Hop inside, girls," she said. "You must be freezing."

Florina, Farina and Fiora boarded the carriage.

"So, you and Harken finally settled down, did ya?" chuckled Farina, winking at the newlyweds. "I always thought you two'd end up together."

Isadora wrapped blankets around the girls. "Well, I'm happy to see that you're not frozen. Man, that would be a waste of a mini-plot, huh?"

And they all shared a hearty laugh.

--The REAL, Legitimate End

--------

So actually ends Nomads United, my first chaptered fic to be completed. -sighs- I'm so happy! If it weren't twenty degrees, I'd cry... Well, hope you liked it, and, in a couple of weeks, I should have the outtakes and deleted scenes ready. A good fic has lots of production errors, did you know that? Oh, and I hope you're happy with the traditional Fire Emblem ending; it took me an hour to do.


End file.
